Finding Me

Its title may have be becoming a cliché but it has been a book that inspires me greatly nonethless. I read the book in 2007; the "Eat" section had brought comfort for a broken heart, "Pray" gave the enlightment for letting go and moving on, while "Love" offered the hope that in time, things would be made right again.

To use the book's title as a metaphor for my own life journey, I realised I had been indulging in "Eat" for most of the past three years. I feel that time is right to embark for the next phrase of the book - "Pray". I remembered it as the most difficult section to get through as I read the book, but the wisdom and solace gained had also been the most rewarding. I wish it hold the same truth for my own journey of self-discovery and inner beauty.
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And that some day, it brings me to "Love"...

"The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart."- Julien Green



Remembering... You

Six of Cups from Legacy of the Divine Tarot, by Ciro Marchetti

I never quite dare to believe, when she told me that what you had for me was true, genuine love. It was something which you had denied to me so defiantly, blatantly and outrightly at the last confrontation of our feelings. And your denial hurt me so deeply that I felt an ultimate despair to let you go.

Perhaps, your intention was the very way I had reacted: To hate you, give up and then, let you go. But I could never quite hate you, because in the core of my heart, it was even more difficult to believe that you care nothing for me. We had taken each other as soulmates in our best times together. With such a feeling of deep and natural connection, your deliberate and forceful denial must have struck your heart just as brutally and deeply, and left you just as crippled as I was.

They say, time heal all wounds, abeit with scars. For all the time I have learnt to let you go, I come to believe that all that you have done was for the love of me. That was in fact, the best way to let you go. You had asked me wistfully on the night we parted, "Do you know, sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the one you love, is by far, the truest type of love?" I sat in silent grief beside you, thinkng you wanted me to be the sacrified one. Only to realise much, much later, that you had already sacrified your love for the sake of my happiness - knowing you could no longer give either to me, even though you had said, you wished you could...

I still feel the love for you. But they were in the the last ashen remains. And I shall keep them in an urn, buried in the depth of my heart. From now on. 

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I drew a card from the deck of tarot cards she laid in front of me. It was you I had in mind, and the intent attracted a card on nostalgia. The feelings we had for each other had been good memories, and we shall leave them as so.

Dream Man

溫昇豪 (James Wen), Taiwan Artist


He encompasses the idea of my 'Dream Man';
Not just because of his eye-candy physique,
But because he appeared at a time when I was asking myself,
"How could I possibly find another man attractive again...?"

He is like the transcient fireworks that uses the night sky as the canvas;
Whose fuse offers a glimpse of some locked-up energy within a matter;
A spark that reignites an once shattered, ashened heart;
And inspires the familiar child-like ecstatic feel,
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Of being in love again.  ♥_♥!!

Close Brush

We almost went on a business trip to Kyoto this November, but my boss called it off as she felt the programme was not very fruitful. I did not feel it was much of a loss, until I come to know that a friend was back in Japan to renew his work visa in U.S. during the same period of time.

I sent him off at Changi Airport in November 2008, and it had come to almost two years since his departure. And time slipped by us - unconsciously or deliberately - without really being in close contact all this while. Well, I ever tried - initially. But somehow, the communication between us did not quite work out the way I thought it would. I put the blame on myself; perhaps I should not have tried too hard for something that was out of reach in the first place.
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Still, we almost had a close brush with each other again this November. But instead of brooding over it, I snapped myself quickly out of the maudlin mood and firmly decided that we are simply not fated. Well, perhaps this close brush would not have made any difference - even if we did touch.

Pushover

Sometimes, you can't help but be sucked into a swirling vortex of actions that go beyond your control. People come to you, demanding this, demanding that. A fury of instructions, wanting you to do things their way and you find yourself being pulled in different directions to solve their problems.

There is a saying that goes, all forms of misfortunes and unhappiness that your perceive are actually brought upon by no one but yourself. If you let yourself be passive and always agreeable, people will walk all over you. On the surface, you will think it don't bother but as time goes by, you may start to resent it if it makes you feel like you are allowing others to take advantage of you.

Nobody likes being push over, so don't psycho yourself to think you are different. Listen to your instincts. When something bothers you or you feel you have been wronged, it is best to speak up right away. No matter how hard you try, you have to accept the fact that you cannot please everyone all the time. And most importantly people will respect you much more for your confidence than for being a wimp, when you stop being a pushover.

However, it is also important to keep things in check and balance. Do not mistake assertiveness for defensiveness. In your confrontations, you always want to maintain a balanced reaction, subdued yet steady. Clearly state what you want, need and expect. Be firm, persistent and resilient.

Abandoning your formerly soft self would not be accomplished overnight; you must constantly remind yourself to do these things in order to effectively change your ways. It might be easier to practice your assertiveness with a stranger, as friends and family have come to expect a certain non-confrontational, meek, wishy-washy brand of behavior from you. When you meet new people, set the precedent from the beginning. Now that you're conscious of the difference between being easygoing and being walked all over, you can establish healthier interpersonal relationships.

Just remember that you deserve to feel appreciated, not used. You can be Mr Nice, but within reason and not at the expense of your pride.
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If you don't want to be a pushover, you need to learn how to stand on your own feet.

A 10-Day Facebook-Retreat

I deactivated my Facebook account in late October. And for almost ten days, I did not login but lock myself out of the happenings surrounding my friends and interest groups I have joined instead.


For someone who had declared "Facebook is my CNN" and made wall posts every other day (sometimes, every other hour), I was surprised how peaceful and calm I felt during those ten days. The stilness away from Facebook felt so zen-like that it was almost exhilarating. I comtemplate of a complete withdrawal from Facebook forever - if only I don't miss some of my friends.


It was also during these ten days of Facebook-Retreat that I come to be more acutely aware of who are the ones whom matter most to me, who are the ones who inspire and encourage me constantly and WHAT do I really want to know. 


And away from the hustle and bustle of Facebook, I have grown silent too - having no outlet to vent and express my thoughts and frustrations. So I turn inward, learn to listen to them instead, let them settle, and then let them go. I started this blog too, and realise how silence brings light to truth. And this is the most important lesson I have gotten out from this retreat.
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When you cannot talk, it helps you to listen.

Still, and be Stale

I realise, if it is your responsibility to get things moving, things will NOT move unless you do.

Yes, life is not a bed of roses. Things do not come easy, and they do not fall right into your laps. And most of the times, you really have to WORK HARD to make things HAPPEN.

I admit when I am faced with taunting tasks, I am most likely to indulge in Procrastination. I used to think it is due to the  Perfectionism streak in me, until I realise there is something more to it, which is - the Fear of Failure. But after being chronically affected by procrastination that it is stopping me from fulfilling my potential and disrupting my career, I come to learn that the best way out of it is to take things squarely in the face and DEAL WITH IT.

So, think positively and get going.
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For if you choose to be STILL, things will just go STALE.